I want you to do something for me. I want you to take a piece of paper and with a pen or pencil divide that paper into two columns with one side reading ‘Have To’ and the other reading ‘Want To.’ This may be self-evident, but just in case, under each column write down a list of the self-care items you feel you have to do and the self-care items that you want to do. Ok Go! (pretend jeopardy music is playing)
Ok so assuming you have actually done the list or even taken a moment to think about it, I am going to generalize and say that the majority of us, if required to participate in this exercise would have things like exercise, eat healthier, get more sleep, cook healthier meals, drink more water or not eat pass 8pm under the ‘Have To’ category. While these are things that are certainly beneficial to our health and well-being, we often do not see them as enablers of our self-care but more tasks that we have to do in order to achieve a health goal such a losing weight, building muscle or regulating our hormones.
Next under the ‘want to’ list I am sure things like go on more vacations, get more massages, hang out with friends more or have more date nights are some of the things that we wish we could do more of and while they are not direct contributors to our physical health and wellness, they definitely enhance the mental, psychological and emotional aspects of our self-care.
Now perhaps you are thinking to yourself that this itemized list poses no real issue as you have identified the things that you have to do and want to do to support your self-care… the only issue is that when we have to do things, we are doing so unwillingly or to satisfy a short-term outcome. What we also know is that having to do anything more often feels like an onerous chore that we don’t want to do, but again because it is a means to a particular end we do it only to achieve a one-off goal. And so how do we move the needle to make the self-care activities under the ‘have to’ list become a permanent and desired fixture under ‘want to’?
I know this is not the case for everyone, as many of us want to do the things in the have to list because it just makes us feel physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically and spiritually well and balanced…BUT I also know many of us struggle with the have to list because we are fixated on what these things are supposed to achieve versus how they enable self care. The other difficulty with keeping the division status quo is that when we do not achieve the outcomes we have associated with the particular activity, we more often than not stop doing it all together and so those activities under the have to become so much more onerous and torturesome!
And so I want to pose an alternate way of thinking to you so that you can begin to move the needle from ‘have to’ to ‘want to’. What if you focused on how exercising created the opportunity to release the body of the stress accumulated in the day, or how it allowed you to be in your thoughts free of distraction. Or what if putting healthier food in your body was about honouring and loving yourself by feeding yourself the things that nourished you body holistically. And what if the by-product of all these things was weight or body fat loss, muscle strength or endurance and balanced hormones. What if we took the pressure off of ourselves through these desired expectations that were supposed to come to fruition following what we had to do and simply enjoyed those things because we just wanted to.
How we string a sentence together and how we itemize activities in life really sets context and tone for our desire to do something. From young we know that when someone tells us that we have to do something, our automatic response is to resist and avoid and yet when we are asked what we want to do, we feel free to choose, free to participate and gravitate towards a choice. As adults we have reached a point in our life that we can somewhat chose between what we have to do and what we want to do and so I want to empower you all to know that you do not have to exercise, or drink more water or cook healthier or don’t not eat pass 8pm. But you should certainly want to self-care and enjoy all the things that now fall under that list!
