Let me just start by saying – grieving sucks. Grieving the loss of someone you love deeply during a pandemic that prevents you from wrapping your arms around those you want to be around the most…well now it just fuckin sucks!
On May 8th I lost a man who, perhaps until his untimely death – didn’t fully realize how much I loved and adored. Uncle Dougie (which I fondly called him) was my husband’s uncle, but by all accords, my uncle. You know when you lose someone and find yourself bobbing and weaving within the grieving process, it’s amazing how the mind becomes your own personal home movie, reeling different images and memories of your loved one. For me, that movie reel contains over 20 years of laughter, joy and some of my most fondest memories before and after I officially become a ‘Woodward Wife” – as he loved to refer to me as.
A little sidenote: Uncle Dougie was a man of principle. Now I can’t say some of the principles he spoke on were reasonable or necessarily rational…lol (that was part of his charm and also a Woodward trait which I am ALL too familiar with courtesy of my father-in-law, husband and now son) but one area that he never wavered from was the rule of “becoming a Woodward Wife.” To become a Woodward Wife meant bringing a son to carry the name! Now yes it is very stereotypical West Indian and well just downright over the top, but it was what he believed. Now let me tell you – before I had Ezekiel I had come to accept that I would not carry this title cause well I had NO intentions of having a third child. Yada Yada Yada…Duane and the higher power clearly made some kind of backroom deal…and well we all know the end result – Ezekiel Saadiq Woodward was born. Beyond feeling blessed to bring a son into this world, the memory of telling Uncle Dougie that a boy had arrived holds just as strong in mind as the sadness in my heart of him no longer being here to see his grand-nephew grow or to watch my daughters, whom he loved so fondly grow into amazing women.
Honestly my heart is broken. My heart is broken because my father-in-law has lost his youngest brother whom he shared an unbreakable bond. My heart if broken because my husband is grieving for a man who was like a second father to him. My heart is broken because my children, who have known him their whole lives can no longer see him. My heart is broken because my Auntie Rosita has lost the love of her life (38 years). My heart if broken because Uncle Dougie will not be able to see the fruits of his labour as his kids continue to make footprints in the world. My heart is broken because I want him to be here.
Uuuuggghhhh. Like screw the circle of life – honestly…lol.
I would be lying if I said that time will heal this wound, because I just don’t know that it can. What time has done is allowed me to sit in my grief, feel my sorrow and sadness but come out of it feeling grateful. You see for 20+ years Uncle Dougie was in my life, and in those 20+ years he etched a permanent place in my heart that not even grief can overshadow. Lord KNOWS I miss him everyday. Truthfully I have been procrastinating on this blog because I wasn’t sure I could get through it, but I hear him in my head saying “come on dahlin” and so here I am.
Uncle Dougie I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laughter. I miss the way you argue your point on things that you were absolutely wrong on but were too prideful to let go of. I miss your commands that we come and visit every time we were in Montreal and your annoyance when we showed up 3 minutes late (lol…totally true every time). I miss how you always took my side when Duane and I disputed. I miss how you loved me.
As we prepare ourselves both individually and as a family to bid you farewell tomorrow, know that you are held to such regard, that such love and admiration was held for only the greatest of kings.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” ~Washington Irving
Rest in eternal paradise Uncle Dougie – I love you.
