How many of you over the course of your lifetime have heard your parent, or partner, or co-worker use the term “either or” to outline what choices you would be granted as it related to a particular issue. As the offspring of two west indian parents and a parent myself (who more often than not finds herself channeling very stereotypical West Indian actions or sayings) the term ‘either or’ is so widely used to identify your very limited options on something that when given open opportunity to make a choice we have no idea what to do (or we think it’s a set up for a cut ass…lol)
But what if the concept of either or, while important for creating boundaries can become a full-out barrier in our ability in believing that we can have neither or have both? Ok let me clarify. The concept of self-care is very difficult for many because it implies that to engage in self-care is to negate something else because it’s either self-care or caring for others (as an example). Either or, in the way it is used tells people and creates messaging in our head that sets limits and forces us to prioritize and select people or objects or situations that we don’t want to necessarily select (or make a priority)- but because either we go route A or route B is seen as the only option, we by proxy make decisions that benefit others more than ourselves (this also ties into the concept of selflessness and our desire to appear as though the needs of others supersedes ours – but that is a blog for another day!)
I say ‘to hell with either or’. You know when the concept of either or is effective? When you give your spouse the option of either washing dishes or making lunch! Anything beyond tasks such as this (where you reap the benefit at both ends…lol), either or only creates limits that in the name of self-care is counter productive.
One of the most common things I hear people tell me when it comes to self-care is that the time they want to allot to themselves is either taken up by their obligations as parents (homework, family time or chauffering) or life (everything else) and so self-care continually finds itself on the back burner.
STOP EITHER ORRING SELF-CARE! Do some of you wish that there were more days in a week – sure. Do some of wish that there were more hours in a day – sure. Do some of you wish that you could say no more often so that you didn’t feel like your plate was full – sure. But do you know what would happen if all of those things did happen??? Not one fucking thing! And you know why… because until we make a decision to understand the significance and importance of self-care as a driving force in our ability to manage (and in some cases survive) the day-to-day, self-care will always fall to the demise of either or.
I have said it before and I will say it again, practicing true self-care means partially being selfish. It means not making it an option against something else. I can certainly appreciate the difficulty in putting oneself at the top of their own list (because public opinion is not always kind to those who do so openly and honestly) but guess what… stress never either or’s – #realtalk
