A Little Thing Called Self-Worth

Self-Worth, according to the ever reliable Google Search engine is defined as “the opinion you have about yourself and the value you place on yourself.” The example that is given to provide more clarity about what is self-worth is the belief that you are a good person who deserves good things – or vice versa.

We all know I love to ask a million dollar question…so here it goes – what if your self worth? And how does your self worth either support or deter you from self-care? Here is the thing…everything we do takes effort. Period. From brushing your teeth, to ironing, to cooking to sex…it’s all, as my girl Riri likes to say,  work work work work work.

Developing your self-worth, like all the other things we do requires purposeful and intentional action that is only geared to elevate the perception of yourself. Developing one’s self worth may be some of the most selfish work you ever do, but the outcome lays such a strong foundatin that you become almost invinceable. Further to this when you come to a place where your self-worth is so elevated, your natural instinct is to preserve this sacred state by nourishing your mind, body, soul and spirit through self care. And when I say self care I am not talking the bubble bath, chocolate cake or massage type of self-care. I am talking about the deep type of self care where you start to bring concern to others that your love for yourself may be excessive!

When we place value on ourself, we also start to shift our inner thoughts from ‘what I am willing to accept for myself’ to ‘what I am not willing to accept.’ To the naked eye it may appear that I am basically saying the samething just one in an affirmative tense and the other in a negative tense…but when we dig deeper they are actually quite different. You see often when we say “I am willing to accept xyz” what comes after is a long laundry list of things that you are willing to accept, willing to tolerate and willing to sacrifice in the name of someone or something else. Because self worth is also so closely tied to people’s perception of us, we often find ourselves still making exceptions to our own rule to ensure that those around us are happy with us, thereb by validating our self worth.

When you say “I am not willing to accept xyz” there is actually no exception or exemption to the rule – it’s just straight up no because you are unwilling to accept, tolerate or sacrifice anything that jeopardizes your self worth. If we take it one step further, not willing to accept things that affect your self worth also means that self care is what is fueling your self worth and not other people’s perception.

Putting yourself on a pedestal allows those around you to see the platform that you are working from, provides insight to those around you on how they need to engage with you…and for my ladies out there…it absolutely acts as a shield to those who try to step to you incorrectly.

Let Your Light Shine!

Isn’t it funny how so many of us empower those we love to do something, but when it comes to doing that same thing for ourselves we do the opposite (for many different reasons).

With that being said, here are a few facts about me:

1. I am FAR from shy

2. I am FAR from quiet

3. I put 100% in my relationships (family & friends)

4. Everything I desire to do, I excel

5. I fade in the background to give those I love the space to shine and to show the world the things I see within them.

Love it or hate, these qualities make me who I am..but it seems #5 is quality that is quite the opposite of what I tell those around me about themselves. I live by the creed that empowering others and supporting those closest to you to shine and show the world how amazing they are is fundamental in any relationship that you deem worthy of nurturing. For me it isn’t good enough to be there in body, but one needs to be there in emotion and spirit and so I am.

Most recently…ok let me keep shit real… literally earlier today I had two conversations with my soul mate and bestie (two different people by the way) who both pointed something out – I do not openly celebrate myself the way I celebrate and big up others. Call is occupational hazard…ok even that is bullshit cause really occupation has nothing to do with my lack of self-promoting…lol…I have just ALWAYS wanted to use that line somewhere so oblige me people…lol.

The fact is they are right! While I am loud and out there, I also very much fade in the background when it comes to self-promotion. I am sure some of you are like what the hell is this girl talking about – I see her on Instagram or Facebook flexing and exercising…lol…yes all very true but for me that is not so much self-promotion as it is showcasing the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual benefits of self-care (just my thoughts). What my girls are talking about is stepping from behind the curtains to really give people the opportunity to see ME…to see the things that I have achieved….to see how I show up for myself by myself. And while I have mastered many many things…this for me is a work in progress. The weird thing is that my desire to stay in the background is not really driven by fear of disapproval or disappointment (cause if you REALLY know me you know I don’t actually care what people think about me)…but it is me feeling guilty about taking the shine that I feel I  should be giving to someone versus myself. Does this sound ridiculous – as I read that one line to myself it definitely sounds ridiculous, but when it plays out in real life it seems/feels right.

I can tell you my best friend was FAR from impressed and literally told me to never let that happen again…lol…which I am committed to really working hard on. But what it also did inspire is this blog because for me by putting my truth out there, I am now accountable to the universe to make things different.

I know rationally (as many of you do) that letting your light shine, does not dim anyone else’s light. Beyond that, when you are surrounded by the type of people who lift you up the way my people do…shining a light doesn’t fade theirs but actually lights the tunnel for them to reach their destination. Unlike a light switch, I certainly can’t guarantee that I will always allow myself to be the star of the show…but what I do know is that I have people in my life who will always be there to open the curtain for me.

Moving the Needle from ‘Have To’ to ‘Want To’

I want you to do something for me. I want you to take a piece of paper and with a pen or pencil divide that paper into two columns with one side reading ‘Have To’ and the other reading ‘Want To.’ This may be self-evident, but just in case, under each column write down a list of the self-care items you feel you have to do and the self-care items that you want to do. Ok Go! (pretend jeopardy music is playing)

Ok so assuming you have actually done the list or even taken a moment to think about it, I am going to generalize and say that the majority of us, if required to participate in this exercise would have things like exercise, eat healthier, get more sleep, cook healthier meals, drink more water or not eat pass 8pm under the ‘Have To’ category. While these are things that are certainly beneficial to our health and well-being, we often do not see them as enablers of our self-care but more tasks that we have to do in order to achieve a health goal such a losing weight, building muscle or regulating our hormones.

Next under the ‘want to’ list I am sure things like go on more vacations, get more massages, hang out with friends more or have more date nights are some of the things that we wish we could do more of and while they are not direct contributors to our physical health and wellness, they definitely enhance the mental, psychological and emotional aspects of our self-care.

Now perhaps you are thinking to yourself that this itemized list poses no real issue as you have identified the things that you have to do and want to do to support your self-care… the only issue is that when we have to do things, we are doing so unwillingly or to satisfy a short-term outcome. What we also know is that having to do anything more often feels like an onerous chore that we don’t want to do, but again because it is a means to a particular end we do it only to achieve a one-off goal. And so how do we move the needle to make the self-care activities under the ‘have to’ list become a permanent and desired fixture under ‘want to’?

I know this is not the case for everyone, as many of us want to do the things in the have to list because it just makes us feel physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically and spiritually well and balanced…BUT I also know many of us struggle with the have to list because we are fixated on what these things are supposed to achieve versus how they enable self care. The other difficulty with keeping the division status quo is that when we do not achieve the outcomes we have associated with the particular activity, we more often than not stop doing it all together and so those activities under the have to become so much more onerous and torturesome!

And so I want to pose an alternate way of thinking to you so that you can begin to move the needle from ‘have to’ to ‘want to’. What if you focused on how exercising created the opportunity to release the body of the stress accumulated in the day, or how it allowed you to be in your thoughts free of distraction. Or what if putting healthier food in your body was about honouring and loving yourself by feeding yourself the things that nourished you body holistically. And what if the by-product of all these things was weight or body fat loss, muscle strength or endurance and balanced hormones. What if we took the pressure off of ourselves through these desired expectations that were supposed to come to fruition following what we had to do and simply enjoyed those things because we just wanted to.

How we string a sentence together and how we itemize activities in life really sets context and tone for our desire to do something. From young we know that when someone tells us that we have to do something, our automatic response is to resist and avoid and yet when we are asked what we want to do, we feel free to choose, free to participate and gravitate towards a choice. As adults we have reached a point in our life that we can somewhat chose between what we have to do and what we want to do and so I want to empower you all to know that you do not have to exercise, or drink more water or cook healthier or don’t not eat pass 8pm. But you should certainly want to self-care and enjoy all the things that now fall under that list!

You Are How You Eat

Who has ever heard the saying – “you are what you eat”? Now while I do not know the origin of that statement, I want to assume that whoever coined that clever phrase  intended to promote healthy eating for optimal health and wellness – you know when you eat  salad you feel more energized versus eating a Philly cheese steak. But what if we took it one step further. What if what we ate was a reflection of the value we place on ourselves and therefore our self-care? What if how we ate and the experiences we created around eating was tied to our self-care?

I feel like I may have lost some of you at this point…so let me explain.

Food is a source of nourishment and so when most of us eat, we do so from a place fueling the body, not wanting to pass out, we’re foodies or basic human necessity. All being valid reasons for eating, the experiences we create around food and eating is actually more connected to the value we place on our self-care than we think.

Picture this very familiar scenario – After commuting home following an eight-hour work day, you literally have 1.5 hours to get kids home from school/daycare, fed and homework completed before one of the kids needs to be at their afterschool activity. While you are down one child due to the activity, you have enough time to clean up, wash dishes, prep lunches for the next day and maybe (JUST MAYBE if things ran smoothly) you were able to get the other kid(s) bathed before the other one has to be picked up. While all of this is happening, you are literally grazing like a scavenger eating the mish mash of food either left in the pot, pan or plate, followed by a few carrots or slices of cucumbers (because clearly you need your vegetable intake) downed by the coffee/tea that you have reheated maybe three times already!

Or what if because your partner was working late that night, you decided you would stay an extra hour at work and grab a “healthier” option of food on your way home cause tonight you were dining alone. As you sat at your table with your phone/laptop/tablet in hand you surfed through social media while eating your subway sandwich (with no sauce) not really enjoying your meal but more thankful there were no dishes to be done!

Now for years scenario one was my life. I prided myself on my ability to get shit done in a short span of time. Not sure what the reward was for all that, but I can definitely tell you what the outcome of garbage eating habits led to… over a year of dealing with H Pylori. For those of you unfamiliar with this infection it is basically an infection caused by a bacteria that literally tears your stomach apart. While I  have no idea how I ended up with this infection, what I can tell you is that the way I was eating, my relationship with food and the environment in which I ate in was a huge contributing factor to being hospitalized 3 times (my bestie has an incredible story about the last episode…fack!!!).

Now let me be clear this blog is NOT about scaring the shit out of you by telling you about my experience with this infection so that you basically become vegan – because the truth is the outcome of my stomach issues would have still been the same vegan or not – because at the root cause of my issues was not respecting the importance of food in relation to my self-care.

I ate bland food because I had to and I cut out pepper sauce because I had to, but I was still doing 50 things, spinning around my house while I took a forkfuls of rice, or bland chicken or broccoli in between doing everything that needed to get done (according to my self-created list). Food was definitely a source of fuel and I placed no real value on what experiences I should have been experiencing as I ate. And so as a result and for over a year I dealt with other stomach related issues and couldn’t lose weight (even though I was eating “healthy”).

The power of food far exceeds what many of us attribute it to. Yes it is for nourishment and growth and development, but is also for self-care. What would it mean to put your fork down between every bite to allow you the enjoyment of chewing your food and savoring each bite? What would it mean to have time to guess what spices were used in the chicken you were enjoying? What would it mean to eat until satisfaction and not fullness because you had the time to eat and didn’t shovel food in your mouth? Maybe this is an experience you already enjoy, but for so many of us it isn’t. How do we holistically engage in self-care if one of the key things we need for basic survival is simply placed in a queue of ‘to dos’?

I am by no means trying to preach like I have this eating experience in the name of self-care down pact. Fuck truth be told it has really only been since starting my certification 7 weeks ago that I have brought intention into how I use food as a source of self-care, but what I can tell you is that the body knows your behavior in relation to food. Like most things related to self-care, it is a work in progress and not something we can engage in all the time (honestly just due to life)… but if we are how we eat, then at the very least we are all worthy of making our own plate of food, sitting down and savoring what the food has to offer our mind, body and spirit.

The Power of V (Vulnerability)

What a dirty little word!

I feel like when most of us hear the word ‘vulnerable’ it causes a physical reaction – similar to finding out that the sushi and drinks you and your girlfriends ordered was apparently made out of gold and so instead of the bill being maybe $150 it was actually $450 (true fuckin story….just ask my girlfriends Natasha and Sarah) – straight up nauseum with a touch of sweaty panic!

You see the word vulnerable doesn’t drum up warm and fuzzy feelings but rather feelings of fear, judgment, hurt and rejection. According to the urban dictionary ‘Vulnerable’ is defined as “someone who is completely and rawly open, unguarded with their heart, mind and soul. ‘Vulnerability’ is the surrender of all control and personal power in regards to letting someone close enough to destroy you!” Well holy shit… based on those definitions why the hell would anyone want to be vulnerable – and yet we do find ourselves vulnerable.

What if we were to completely ignore the definition of vulnerability and see it for another purpose and that is the gateway to our truth. This is what I mean. More often than not, and because it is driven by human nature, rarely are we inclined to take a path where we anticipate hardship (whether physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, mental) and discomfort. To be vulnerable is to expose yourself to someone else in hopes of them seeing your core and yet rarely do we use the power of V to connect with, source or access our own truth. You see this is what being vulnerable looks like – we appear hypothetically naked before our partner or confidant in our desire to gain acceptance from them and once that has been achieved we feel as though we have achieved success – so why do we still feel so blah? Well it’s because while that person has accepted your truth you have not. The whole concept of vulnerability is driven by the outcome of someone else and yet nothing about being vulnerable really has ANYTHING to do with the other person and EVERYTHING to do with exposing your truth to yourself!

Being vulnerable is not sexy or cute, but is it powerful AF because it leads us to our core. Sometime ago I had the privilege of participating in a woman’s circle led by my Rafiki and one of the things we were required to do was to look into another person’s eye for I think 9 hours…ok it was like a minute but because it was such an intense experience it seemed that long…lol. While I can’t remember the full intent of the exercise what I can say is how uncomfortable and vulnerable I felt in that moment. As I stared into my partners eyes wondering what my eyes were exposing to her (and thinking more negatively than positively) I found myself reflecting on what my fear was in looking directly into her eyes. At the end of the minute we were then asked to share what we saw in the other person based on that very intimate and awkward interaction – and she lovingly said to me “the power and presence you show outwardly shines so brightly inside of you” –  she saw my core and I honoured my truth. That interaction and in that minute both forced and allowed me to see my truth.

The act of being vulnerable and the state of vulnerability does not have to be negative once we see the power it possesses in bringing us our truth. When we expose ourselves (literally and figuratively) we should not be afraid of what we are going to hear. What we should be afraid of is what we are going to miss.