Grieving SUCKS!
Let me just start by saying – grieving sucks. Grieving the loss of someone you love deeply during a pandemic that prevents you from wrapping your arms around those you want to be around the most…well now it just fuckin sucks! On May 8th I lost a man who, perhaps until his untimely death – didn’t fully realize how much I loved and adored. Uncle Dougie (which I fondly called him) was my husband’s uncle, but by all accords, my uncle.
Let me just start by saying – grieving sucks. Grieving the loss of someone you love deeply during a pandemic that prevents you from wrapping your arms around those you want to be around the most…well now it just fuckin sucks!
On May 8th I lost a man who, perhaps until his untimely death – didn’t fully realize how much I loved and adored. Uncle Dougie (which I fondly called him) was my husband’s uncle, but by all accords, my uncle. You know when you lose someone and find yourself bobbing and weaving within the grieving process, it’s amazing how the mind becomes your own personal home movie, reeling different images and memories of your loved one. For me, that movie reel contains over 20 years of laughter, joy and some of my most fondest memories before and after I officially become a ‘Woodward Wife” – as he loved to refer to me as.
A little sidenote: Uncle Dougie was a man of principle. Now I can’t say some of the principles he spoke on were reasonable or necessarily rational…lol (that was part of his charm and also a Woodward trait which I am ALL too familiar with courtesy of my father-in-law, husband and now son) but one area that he never wavered from was the rule of “becoming a Woodward Wife.” To become a Woodward Wife meant bringing a son to carry the name! Now yes it is very stereotypical West Indian and well just downright over the top, but it was what he believed. Now let me tell you – before I had Ezekiel I had come to accept that I would not carry this title cause well I had NO intentions of having a third child. Yada Yada Yada…Duane and the higher power clearly made some kind of backroom deal…and well we all know the end result – Ezekiel Saadiq Woodward was born. Beyond feeling blessed to bring a son into this world, the memory of telling Uncle Dougie that a boy had arrived holds just as strong in mind as the sadness in my heart of him no longer being here to see his grand-nephew grow or to watch my daughters, whom he loved so fondly grow into amazing women.
Honestly my heart is broken. My heart is broken because my father-in-law has lost his youngest brother whom he shared an unbreakable bond. My heart if broken because my husband is grieving for a man who was like a second father to him. My heart is broken because my children, who have known him their whole lives can no longer see him. My heart is broken because my Auntie Rosita has lost the love of her life (38 years). My heart if broken because Uncle Dougie will not be able to see the fruits of his labour as his kids continue to make footprints in the world. My heart is broken because I want him to be here.
Uuuuggghhhh. Like screw the circle of life – honestly…lol.
I would be lying if I said that time will heal this wound, because I just don’t know that it can. What time has done is allowed me to sit in my grief, feel my sorrow and sadness but come out of it feeling grateful. You see for 20+ years Uncle Dougie was in my life, and in those 20+ years he etched a permanent place in my heart that not even grief can overshadow. Lord KNOWS I miss him everyday. Truthfully I have been procrastinating on this blog because I wasn’t sure I could get through it, but I hear him in my head saying “come on dahlin” and so here I am.
Uncle Dougie I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laughter. I miss the way you argue your point on things that you were absolutely wrong on but were too prideful to let go of. I miss your commands that we come and visit every time we were in Montreal and your annoyance when we showed up 3 minutes late (lol…totally true every time). I miss how you always took my side when Duane and I disputed. I miss how you loved me.
As we prepare ourselves both individually and as a family to bid you farewell tomorrow, know that you are held to such regard, that such love and admiration was held for only the greatest of kings.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” ~Washington Irving
Rest in eternal paradise Uncle Dougie – I love you.
Letting go of expectations of “normal”
So it is April 4th 2020 and we are actively living in a pandemic! Saying the word ‘pandemic’ out loud has been weird, but to write it is even weirder. While I know from a logical standpoint that the things that we are now required to do – physical distancing, working from home, reducing our exposure to the world – is all part of our responsibility as members of our community to move past this moment in history, to say it has been an adjustment is an understatement.
Holy shit…it has been a minute since I last blogged! but I want to thank my girlfriend Natalie LaFrance for today’s blog inspo!
So it is April 4th 2020 and we are actively living in a pandemic! Saying the word ‘pandemic’out loud has been weird, but to write it is even weirder. While I know from a logical standpoint that the things that we are now required to do – physical distancing, working from home, reducing our exposure to the world – is all part of our responsibility as members of our community to move past this moment in history, to say it has been an adjustment is an understatement.
From the closures of businesses, to government financial relief, to the grueling fight that our front line and essential workers have undertaken as a result of COVID-19 has left me extremely mindful of the state of being we are all under.
As we all navigate these unchartered waters, one of the things that I continue to hear (and have even said myself ) is “is this the new norm?” For most of us, prior to COVID-19 we were all pretty regimented in our day to day activities. Between our work schedules, kids activities, side businesses, and other responsibilities, I think most of us were pretty comfortable with the “normalcy’ we had grown accustomed to. Like all things that bring change, there is hesitation and uncertainty – shit even straight up resistance – but when presented with what we have been presented with, our discomfort with change is no longer a factor as acclimating yourself to the change is critical to life and death.
For many of us, at the onset we attempted to maintain as much as we could to ease the stress that often comes with change, but as we enter into week 3 of a three month sentence, the question that stands as the premise of this blog must be asked – what expectation of “normal” am I letting go of?
You see I am a very regimented individual (I DEFINITELY get that trait from my father..lol). In order for me to move through my day with the least amount of disruption and chaos and always with the aim of achieving my desired daily goals, creating somewhat of a repetitive routine allows me to maintain balance, however COVID-19 has totally fucked that up and forced me to step back and really look at my expectations of ‘normal’.
The truth is, what we are experiencing is the new normal and therefore I must expect to let go or at least be open to letting go of the things that were previously part of what was ‘normal’ before. Our desire to hold on to what we knew before serves as a both a security blanket (cause it is things and processes we know) and control over things that truthfully are fully out of our control!
Over the last three weeks I have intentionally changed my mindset around these new conditions, preventing myself from going down the rabbit hole of what isn’t and instead channeling that energy into what can be. If I am consciously seeking opportunities to make things happen – then I need to also let go of what was part of ‘normalcy’ before – because the two can not actually move harmoniously.
If we think about hardships, obstacles or barriers we have faced in our life, the process of letting go is truly cathartic. From those experiences we never seek to keep things status quo but instead look for a new ‘normal’ and yet during this pandemic so many of us are putting additional stress on ourselves to keep things as normal as possible. Straight the fuck up – there ain’t NOTHING normal about what we are living in and so let go of what was and create a new normal.
Unless you are already a parent who home schools their kids, makes three meals (and maybe more) a day, bakes, does crafts, does daily walks and anything else that we are doing to make the days impactful – this shit ain’t status quo so stop trying to bring what was normal into this circumstance!
Letting go of what we are comfortable with is never easy – but I implore you to not see it as letting go but instead creating a new chapter in your personal and family life.
Make your mark
Today as I was scrolling through my Instagram and saw all of the beautiful tributes to Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gianna, John Altobelli, his wife Keri and daughter Alyssa, Sarah and Payton Chester, Christina Mauser and Ara Zobayan (it is so important that we name them and not just as the ‘other victims’) I happened upon a quote that one of my girlfriends had on her story (thanks Lee) and it said “leaving your home and getting back safely is such an underrated blessing.”
Today as I was scrolling through my Instagram and saw all of the beautiful tributes to Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gianna, John Altobelli, his wife Keri and daughter Alyssa, Sarah and Payton Chester, Christina Mauser and Ara Zobayan (it is so important that we name them and not just as the ‘other victims’) I happened upon a quote that one of my girlfriends had on her story (thanks Lee) and it said “leaving your home and getting back safely is such an underrated blessing.”
Like so many of us who are still trying to grasp at the reality of these tragic deaths, I have found myself in deep thought, reflective and in search of a greater lesson to be learned from such a tragedy. Yesterday on my own Instagram page I shared my deep sadness at the loss of Kobe and his daughter not so much because of his legend status but that of a husband and father (even as I type that it brings water to my eyes). It is sadness that I PRAY I never bear witness to or experience.
So what is our opportunity in this tragedy? I say this certainly not from the perspective of any gain, but from the perspective how we honour these men, women and children who were ALL seen as legends, mentors, motivators and leaders in their own way. While only Kobe carried that level of stardom, every single one of those victims made their mark. To be remembered in the way they are being celebrated is not based on a good deed or a positive interaction with a few people. No. The imprint these people made on those who had the privilege of knowing them, loving them and working with them was greatly attributed to their purpose on this earth and that was to not only be the greatest but to create the space for others to also be great. The power of inspiration is not anything we should take for granted but really something we should all aspire to create.
The loss of Kobe Bryant and Coach Altobelli and Christina Mauser is so great not only because of what they promoted but what they exemplified in their lives. The power to inspire people to be better and do better and want better and work for better is an underrated blessing – just like the blessing of coming home safely every single day.
If we are to honour these people in the way I believe most of us want to – I ask you what you are willing to do today to make your mark? To inspire greatness? To empower others to want to be better and work harder? One of the things that I have come to realize (and this became that much more profound yesterday) is that my passion, which has become my purpose, is to become my mark. Not for fame. Not for notoriety or legendary status. But for a greater good beyond myself. I am a mother of three children who have so much life to experience and if at the end of my life I have made a permanent imprint on their lives to be better, then I have achieved my own legend status.
This sadness we feel may be because one of the best basketball players has left us FAR TOO SOON, but the grief we feel is because our source of inspiration is no longer on earth. But if Kobe Bryant has achieved what he exemplified in his life as a husband, father and baller, than that mark has been set in all of us and our next step is to imprint our own mark on those around us.
Don’t create your plan, live your plan
I hope you didn’t think that 2019 would come to an end and I wouldn’t blog! Keeping things completely real… I am actually writing this blog on December 30th because we are throwing a little New Year’s Eve party today with some of our friends (including the bae) soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I basically won’t be in any shape or form to write eloquently nor with a proper message and so I am blogging a day early. That’s right people, when you get older you get wiser…lol.
I hope you didn’t think that 2019 would come to an end and I wouldn’t blog! Keeping things completely real… I am actually writing this blog on December 30th because we are throwing a little New Year’s Eve party today with some of our friends (including the bae) soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I basically won’t be in any shape or form to write eloquently nor with a proper message and so I am blogging a day early. That’s right people, when you get older you get wiser…lol.
As I thought about what I wanted to say for my last official blog of 2019 – sorry not to side track but how CRAZY is it that we are done with another decade…like WTF! Ok back to the blog. As I thought about my message to close off 2019 I thought to myself, should I talk about lessons learned, or the importance of staying focused on self -care, or discovering your purpose and/or your why. And while those are all topics that are near and dear to my heart, I have opted to focus my last blog on Living Your Plan.
You see I am a planner. Ask anyone who knows me, while I have no issues going with the flow, part of that flow had to be scripted with a plan that includes pertinent information such as timeline, anticipated cost, impact, desired outcome, etc. Personally one of the best things that was ever created for someone like me was an excel spreadsheet and a mommy calendar (with the stickers!)…lol. I mean how many times have we heard people say “you have to have a plan” or “what is your plan”. I mean shit – sometimes people want a plan to develop The Plan – it’s just how we are wired and taught. The idea that success can be achieved by just going by the seat of your pants sounds unorthodox and ludicrous. BUT…what if the outcome, impact or execution of a successful plan wasn’t the creation of it – but instead living it and detailing the steps and inputting the information as you actively executed the plan.
MetoMoi has evolved out of me stepping away from my traditional strategy of developing a plan and instead living it and allowing my encounters, interactions and connection to my deeper self dictate my path. For some what I am saying may make sense and for others you are rolling your eyes and thinking this is a sack of shit, but I employ both perspectives to at least hear me out.
Living your plan is not just about your business, but legit about life. If I were to take a poll right now and ask my friends, family or people who follow me on social media what their goal(s) are for 2020, it may sound a little something like this:
My plan is to:
Lose weight
Exercise more
Read more
Connect with friends/be more social
Take a class/course in an area of interest
Eat better
Take more “me time”
Start a business
Leave my partner (yes I said it!)
And the list goes on. The issue here is not the actual activities that I have listed (or those that I negated to mention) but rather the time spent ‘planning’ to do those things, rather than just literally doing it. How many times have you heard someone say, or even yourself say – “it’s not that easy to just up and do it” – and I challenge those who say that by saying why isn’t it that easy? Do you realize that most of things that we plan on doing or hesitate to do are legit the things that are fundamental to our mental, spiritual, emotional, psychological, sexual and social well being and yet we deem it necessary to plan for the right time to fit these things in as we meet the needs and wants of others on a continuum. Let that shit sink in for a minute. You are actively thinking about and planning to do something that serves your mental, physical, spiritual, psychological, sexual (we gonna get into this top for 2020 people…sorry muma…lol) and social well being. Sounds a little ridiculous doesn’t it. Trust me – I am not coming from a place of judgement. I am coming from a place of emancipation – cause lord knows I was there. How could I start a business with a full-time job and three active kids? What would I have to give up in order to make this happen? Was this the right time? Was I taking on too much?
I asked myself those questions for years, and it wasn’t until I closed my eyes that one fine day in January and jumped in head and heart first that I began to write my plan. If anyone were to ask me at this very moment what the future holds for MetoMoi – straight up I can’t tell you other than expect great things. Not because my plan says so, but because I desire it to be.
I truly believe that the things I have done to date and the people that I have met or connected with would not have been had I created a plan that more than likely would have scoped the natural evolution of success out. If we don’t have the capacity to guarantee the things we put in our plan, why would we limit ourselves to the things that we put in our plan. Living your plan creates the space for shit to just happen (whether good or bad because there is a take-away from all situations). And when shit happens, life happens. And when life happens – you ARE living your life by design.
Now listen, don’t go back to work on January 6th talking about your just gonna let shit happen and see what plan derives. Straight the fuck up that shit will get you fired! Let’s apply this process to YOUR desires, dreams, aspirations and goals!
I also want to be clear. I by NO MEANS am saying that we shouldn’t have goals and things that we want to work towards. Of course you should, because the truth is we can’t necessarily achieve everything we desire to achieve in one shot – so go ahead and make that list of desired outcomes or goals for 2020! All I am saying is don’t limit yourself by creating a plan for your desired outcomes that doesn’t leave you open to what the universe has in store for you.
I am excited people. Not just because we are entering into a whole new decade. But because the there is no limit to what we can achieve. I am overwhelmed with excitement and bursting with energy as I gear up for an exciting year. And while my hand is soooooooooooooooo desiring to grab a pen and paper to create my itemized list, I will take my own advice and simply wait for right time to document those achievements!
Happy New Year Everyone.
F$#@ the resolution. Just commit to YOURSELF!
Can you imagine that we are already December 2nd! Like what in the actual fuck. I swear I was just ramping up for my 40th birthday and now I am strategically planning my Christmas decorating process. Yup… that’s right it’s a full on process. Beyond my birthday and the birthdays of key people in my life…I LOVE CHRISTMAS and every thing that goes with it. Just as a quick side note for those of you who follow my adventures in christmas decorating – Duane and I went to our storage unit today and the Christmas decorations are anxiously awaiting their placement this weekend…lol. Ok back to our regularly scheduled program.
So it has been a minute since I last blogged. Truth be told I have wanted to blog for a bit, but time just hasn’t permitted. You know when I embarked on this MetoMoi business venture I don’t know that I thoroughly considered the juggling act it would require to balance a full-time job, three fairly active kids, coaching and staying disciplined with my own personal (physical) development. I would be lying if I said that it was easy…cause there are definite moments that I feel stretched to capacity, but what I continue to remind myself of is that:
a. I am in total control
b. To work from a place of purpose is actually more energizing than exhausting
c. I am just grateful
You see as I come to the end of this decade (isn’t that super fuckin crazy that we are entering into a completely new decade!!!) I find myself not really concerned about how I’m ending this year – but definitely more focused and excited for what lies in store for 2020.
I mean let’s think about this – what does the whole December, new year’s resolution, ‘end the year on a high note’ look like? We take small moments in time to think about all the good and bad things that have happened to us over the year and use that as the basis for what we are committed to improving or not doing the following year. We say it out loud, we tell our closest friends, we write it in our journal, shit we may even post about it online – BUT more times than not…what ends up happening… we flop. Why? Not because we don’t want to. Not because we don’t desire to. Not because we are ill prepared. But more because our intentions are misdirected. So much of what we desire to do or change is attached to a physical, emotional, psychological or mental outcome. There is a goal that we are seeking to achieve, that is often attached to a particular timeline with a desired feeling attached to it – and when those requirements are not met – what happens? We stop. We feel disappointed. We feel unaccomplished. Fuck in some cases we may even feel like shit! Why create the conditions to make yourself feel bad? and yet we do it over and over again.
What if you said forget it to the whole new year’s resolution idea and just made a commitment to commit to yourself! Like not commit to losing weight, or going to the gym 3x/week, or eating better, or reading a new book, or signing up for a new program or the list of top 20 things that Canadian Living suggest you do for yourself in 2020 (no disrespect to Canadian Living…I love their December – February issues…lol). But simply commit to yourself. Now I know that seems super open and nondescript – but committing to yourself is not a scoped project with a timeline. Nor is it an itemized list of ‘to dos’. Now don’t get me wrong -I love a list (like really love a list). And certainly personal growth and development does require some thought around the general direction we would like to move towards (if not we would all be the princess or cat we said we would be when we were 3!) but making an actual commitment to yourself may be the greatest gift you can give to yourself.
By committing to yourself you are consciously and subconsciously telling yourself that your only intention is to do right by you. By committing to yourself, you are announcing to those around you that you are a priority. By committing to yourself your list of ‘to dos’ becomes building blocks to a more elevated version of yourself. By committing to yourself your intentions become about self-love, self-care and self-awareness.
Look…if you love a resolution and you are someone who sticks to them – that is AMAZING! As I always say…my words merely reflect MY opinion based on my experiences. But if you are fatigued by failed resolutions a month into a new year… just consider this as an option. Committing to yourself costs nothing, doesn’t lock you into a contract nor does it send reminders on what hasn’t been accomplished.
Committing to yourself is simply reminding you that YOU matter.